Back on track….remember food will always be there tomorrow

Since my last post- I binged again on burger king (whopper, fries, 10 pc chicken nuggets and cinnabons) yes it tasted amazing but i ate until the point i wanted to vomit. i felt so sick to my stomach, my stomach kept gurgling all night, i had a headache and woke up to drink water every few hours from the salt overload. the next day my stomach was so puffy i was puffy all over and i felt like utter shit. the next couple days the food and toxins began to show up in my face, i had acne spots that flared and are still here even today. i decided the next day that enough is enough- i cant keep having binging episodes that last weeks. it hinders my performance and most importantly it hinders my progress. it’s not fair to myself to workout hard and eat healthy and then throw it all down the drain for a selfish moment of emotional binging. i have found that my trigger is food itself. when i eat a “bad” food such as a sugary non nutritious item, it leads me to mentally throw my hands in the air and just give in fully. this isnt the right way. everyone else around me is ok with indulging on one donut but instead i have 6 of them as if i will never have a donut again. i have to remember

 

“food will always be there tomorrow”, i dont have to eat the whole meal at dinner i can pack half for later or another day, i dont have to eat like im never going to be able to have another one again. i think i ate that many donuts bc i knew that i shouldnt have it to lose weight so i may as well eat as many as possible now since i wont let myself have them again. wrong. life is about balance.

fall down 7 times, get up 8

Hello, I decided to post here as I want to track my progress and be realistic with myself when it comes to my progress. I can’t lie and say i have been 100 percent perfect with it so here it goes….

 

starting on dec 28th I started training with epi at 24….i started at almost 160 pounds (158 to be exact) and I worked out with him at least once a week/cleaned my diet up and by march i was down to 142. YES i am SO incredibly proud of myself…. yes yes yes i am……….. i worked very hard, got complimented by family, friends and coworkers about my weight loss….I knew it was obvious because others saw it.

 

however, like history has it, when i reach a certain good point, i spiral downward after….NOT this time….i wont let it…but im writing here bc i actually did and i want to fess up to it…… so a couple times during those months I did binge (4 pizzas, 6 cookies) and purged, threw up at least 4 times I can think of, this is SO unhealthy. I even threw up once at WORK. something I never thought I would amount to…. ok fast forward to this past week. epi called me and said he was quitting at 24. my world felt like i was lost and had no where to go. he was the reason i lost all this weight and stayed motivated enough. he measured me and weighed me to the point that i WANTED to stay on track so i could impress him and myself. well im goin to be real. when he called me it really sucked. without thinking that night, i went and bought quest bars thinking i could treat myself to a clean treat. well one quest bar turned into 6 of them…… yes SIX. how did that happen? well i ate one…. then slept and went to work that night, i promised myself i would eat good even without epi. well work ordered napoli pizza and i thought what the fuck ill just give in and eat one…. one turned into 5 slices, 5 mozarella sticks, 8 pieces of choc mini candies. i cant explain how shitty i felt. i was physically bloated, hurting, gassy and tired. i also instantly became depressed. so what did i do when i got home? ate 1 quest bar and said i would go to sleep, well 1 quest bar turned into SIX. i figured i was already in a binge why stop? just get it all out of my system….stupid me. then when i woke up i went to OLIVE GARDEN with sean and had a FULL Bowl of fettucini alfredo with chicken…..then that night i had 2 beers and 1 redbull vodka, then the next day i went to sushi with melissa and ate my weight in sushi, then that night i went to fresh and easy and bought myself a 1200 calories box of brownies and a bottle of milk and ate them myselfr……yes MYSELF, then that same night i had FOUR pieces of costco pizza and chips and a 7 up soda.. the aftermath? i am depressed, snappy, rude, being a bitch to everyone, not wanting to do anyting and feeling like i did back when i binged everyday

 

so my point? this lifestyle i am living needs to change. this all or nothing mindset has got to go. if i want something-i can have it, but not the WHOLEbox or for a WEEK, i need to be able to treat myself or ill never get to my goal. one little treat will not set me back like one WEEK of treats does…..i need to be healthy, happy and wholesome. lets do this azita, dont let yourself go on a month binge. you did for a week. YOURE DONE… done done done done done. continue on your grind. remember how happy you are when you are healthy and working out. think how much stronger youve become. think of all the people youve already inspired to lose weight. keep going

coincidence?

EVERYTIME I POST ON HERE– I FAIL–I BINGE–I GET DEPRESSED– I FALL OFF THE WAGON

I THINK ITS BECAUSE I ONLY POST WHEN IM AT A GOOD PLACE IN MY LIFE AND I GET TOO CONFIDENT AND SLACK OFF

WELL THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS I HAVENT SEEN MUCH CHANGE IN MY BODY….AT THE BEGINNING MY BODY CHANGED QUITE QUICKLY…BUT ITS NOT COMING TO A SLOWDOWN, BUT I CANT GIVE UP, AT THIS POINT IN TIME I USUALLY GIVE UP AND REALLY REGRET IT. SO YES….TONIGHT I DID GIVE IN AND EAT BAD…I WAS GOING TO STOP AT MCDONALDS BUT I DIDNT THANK GOD…..I HAD 2 PACKS OF MINI M AND M, SPAGHETTI AT GRANDPAS, 2 PIECES OF FRENCH BREAD, A DOVE ICE CREAM BAR, TATER TOTS AND A BUNCH OF EGG ROLLS AND MY 3RD QUEST BAR OF THE DAY WHAT THE FUCK….WHAT INSPIRED THIS??? 

I TOLD SEAN ORIGINALLY I DIDNT WANT PASTA AT G-PAS BUT THEN I FELT HUNGRY AND SAID OK I WILL HAVE A LITTLE, WELL A LITTLE TURNED INTO THE WHOLE PLATE AND BC I FELT GUILTY I EMBARKED ON A JOURNEY OF CHERRY PIE, AND THEN THE REST CAME AFTER. I FEEL LIKE WHEN I FELT LIKE I HAVE “FAILED” I TOTALLY GIVE IN AND SAY “FUCK IT” BUT I NEED TO REMEMBER THAT…..

IF ONE TIRE GOES FLAT, YOU DONT GO SLASHING THE REST OF THE TIRES BECAUSE OF IT…THATS WHAT I DO….BCK ON TRACK TOMORROW

 

where am I now….

Where am I from the last time I posted here?

welll quite frankly this is what I can remember from the last time I posted her….depressed, anxious, gained over 20 lb in weight. was at 158 lb….not working out…binging EVERYDAY…sometimes more than twice a day….tried weight watchers, tried a counselor tried seeing a psych, even went on meds….. ok…… well here i am now

 

 

I am FAR from those things now….makes me want to cry writing this but I am a MUCH happier person. I began training with Epi at 24 hr fitness (yes I paid over $2000). but there is NO limit on my health. I have ben training with him since December 30th, and now it is Feb 24th and I am down to 147lb…. I am really trying not to give up like I did last time I am trying to just keep on keeping on this time until i truly hit my goal of 130. no regrets this time. i feel so much better and healthier and i want to keep going

no surprise here….

Welp, no surprise here. I quit weight watchers. i went to my first meeting and every one was a senior citizen- felt so out of place, i thought thats okay, i will just continue with the program online-nope. didnt happen. i had no interest in looking up the points, i am such a “number” person that i would rather count calories and macros than “points”. I quit that and did my own regime for about 2-3 weeks which seemed to work good, i just ate healthy and worked out and ate when i was hungry. the difference now is that i actually love to cook and make my own food. ie; spaghetti squash, turkey chili, sandwiches, egg omelette. well that went well until december 25 hit, yup christmas. i saw my cousin melina who was super fit and fab and cutely dressed and i instantly went into a depression. the depression that makes me feel worthless, fat, ugly, smelly, and just flat out disgusting….  there was a moment where i felt as if i would never lose the weight. since i can remember (8-9 years old) My dream and only wish was to lose weight. thats it. i have always been overweight and chunkier than my fellow counterparts and have never been able to cut it out. now that im older and understand weight is an emotional rollercoaster i can now safely say i eat with every emotion, i eat to please my parents esp my moms cooking. but now that im 22 going on 23 i am old enough to make and prepare my own food and take control of my own life. if i can’t lose the weight now, i wont lose it ever. i am younger than ill ever be, i have more energy and willpower than ever. i want to do it now so when i look back i dont regret not starting young. every ounce of me wants to be lean and toned. it is in my thoughts with every waking minute of me. i do not stop thinking about my weight. it is my obsession. you can not buy a good body, you cannot steal it or borrow it. it is a product of hard work and dedication. that is sexy. i feel like im just a “pretty face” and i want to be beautiful all over. i want to be healthy so when people see me they go DAMN how did she do it. i want to HELP others but i CANT because i am a mess myself. if i get my weight down and confidence up i can help others do the same. i feel like my weight has depressed me.  i dont want to wake up, i dont want to do anything. but on a brighter note….and on an expensive note. i resigned up with epi at 24 for 25 sessions. yup TWENTY five personal training sessions for a whopping $1900. that is one whole paycheck for me. 2 weeks of hardass work. 74 hours. however i realized that my health is priceless. my body and my sanity is priceless. i have a strong family hx of disease that i want to steer clear of and i can do this with help. so today was my first training day and boy did i have a hard time. i was huffin and puffin even after 10 seconds of jumping jacks. I can’t even do more than 3 pushups on my toes

prozac day 1

I feel very energized, i feel jittery, like i have energy running through my veins and i need to jump up and go do something, my thoughts are running at 100 mph. i feel like im having an outof body experience

Post-WW meeting

What have I been up to since my first WW meeting? well it’s officially been ONE week since my first meeting, and well i skipped my first weight in and second meeting because what do ya know….i didnt follow the weight watchers stuff…..why? i have no clue. its completely do-able. i can eat whatever i want just in moderation. im starting to get real sick of this shit. so i did something i swore i never would do. ive seen a therapist (kathleen kelly), i have done diets (michelle davis, weight watchers, hcg, lemonade, 500 calorie, atkins, no carb, low carb) ive done it all it seems like. ive taken oxyelite pro which is now recalled for liver fail/function or whatever. so i did something i never thought i would have to do…….i saw a psychiatrist. dr. bist. since when was something :wrong: with me? I have always been the “perfect girl”, smart girl, intelligent, put together. beautiful. perfect life….well i think thats the problem. I have put on a facade for so long being perfect that i have set the bar so high for myself and have tried time and time again to out do myself. this has caused me anxiety and depression. when the therapist asked when this binge eating and depression all started i looked deep into my past and this is what i could remember…………….as a kid i ate way too much, i was a fun child to feed bc i would eat it all. i remember piling white rice on my plate and then a little bit of stew on top. i used to reach for food because it made me happy. food was a feeling for me, not nutrition or a necessity, it meant happiness. i remember in middle school always being the ” bigger kid” i always fit into limited too XL sizes while my friends wore two pieces and wore size smalls and mediums. i never could fit into hollister clothes it was embarassing. then in high school i was done with being fat. i ate very little. i was a cheerleader and could not be fat. i worked out everyday and ate very healthy. I NEVER ate fast food. I NEVER ate school food. i was happy, healthy and overall proud of my body. up until senior year that is. i cant remember why but i started to gain some weight. ill never forget a guy Brandon Youseff saying to isaiah who told me that brandon said i was gaining weight and he could tell. that broke my heart. i cried cried and just went to the gym to work it off. i believe my senior year of high school was the beginning to my issues. it could have been because of my break up wtih daniel gonzalez, idk. being with daniel made me thin, i wanted to impress him, i wanted to make him proud. then college began and i had let go of all my friends from high school, i had no bf, i have no one to please. i think i was stressed from school, a new enivornment but i still kept a healthy physique until nursing school started and i found comfort in food and stopped working out. over this 2 year span i ate like no tomorrow. however i believe the events that led into my depression and eating was my 21st birthday when chris tried having sex with me and sean tried with jen. that broke me. ive NEVER in my life been so hurt. hurt doesnt even explain it. i wanted to rip my hair out. i wanted to close my eyes and pretend my life wasnt real at that moment. it made me feel so ugly, so used, so hideous and unperfect. why would something like this happen to ME? wasnt i the most perfect girl to be with? to this day it bothers me. but anyways, i remember that day i went to raising canes and ate like ive nver eaten before. i went to olive garden the next day and ate like never before. i found comfort in food. i had no one to tell. no one to share with. i was absolutely depressed….

 

well long story short. i saw dr bist who prescribed me prozac

WW

Well… Yesterday I took a huge leap, a huge huge leap that took a lot of courage… i debated back and forth whether or not I should go or stay home, or sign up or wait a little. but i made the final decision to sign up for WEIGHT WATCHERS!! I was a little embarrassed to think that I would need to participate in weight watchers were people are hundreds of pounds over weight. but the fact of the matter is, that I NEEDED the meetings for support and accountability. So I put my “big girl panties” on and drove myself to my first meeting. This felt like an alcoholic driving to their first AA meeting. I was terrified and nervous. I finally brought myself to walk in and i was greeted by tons of old woman. perfect. i wanted to run out, but just stayed and talked to a woman name jeanne about the program. everyone had such nice things to say about it, but again, it was hard to be motivated by 100 yr old women. regardless i stayed because clearly i cannot follow a healthy diet on my own and have gone from 139 pounds back up to a RECORD high of 159. yes i gained 20 pounds in 4 months. so i have to come to the realization that it is going to take me at LEAST 4 or MORE to get it off. so i am taking the weight watchers approach of counting points and learning about portion sizing. there is alot i have to learn but i have faith in the program. 

my ultimate goal is to be <130 pounds. that would be a first since middle school. I will never forget weighing in at 130 pounds in middle school and thinking I was so huge. I have always been heavier for my size and compared to all my peers. I am sick and tired of being fat. I am sick and tired of binging to the point of nausea and depression. I am done feeling shitty and not wanting to get out of bed in the morning. I want this to be a lifestyle NOT a quick fix. I want to LOVE myself on vacation and holidays. I have found that every holiday/vacation/birthday I am DEPRESSED because I had just ruined my “diet”, gained weight, feel fat and don’t feel like I deserve to celebrate that holiday. 2014 will be different. I will be 23 years old. in the PRIME of my life. getting married, having kids and a great career are in my future and i need to be ready for that. this is it. 

old times….

Tonight I went to Kamryn Baigs birthday party at the mirage, its so weird how i went because i know tony through sean who knows kamryn and i know kamryn through rancho hs. well at this party there were TONS of rancho people that used to know. and one thing a girl said stuck out to me.

a girl i talked to said she remembered me because i was a “cheerleader, and the pretty one”. it kind of felt good but also hurt at the same time because i am not that pretty girl anymore. im not that confident, sexy, smart, athletic, well rounded girl…any more. I have turned into a depressed, dark, fat, ugly, boring, lazy girl. I just can’t figure out why. i want to be that girl againn..

Keep on keeping on…

hi all, so today i ventured out and had zabas. went to a baseball game/birthday party so I had a cupcake (didnt deny myself one), and then had a sandwich with (yes….mayo!), so as i finished eating all this, i felt the urge to drive straight to a drive thru and just binge…..i stopped and thought to myself…. WHY am i feeling this way….WHY do i want to binge SO bad right now just because i had a little over indulgence today…..i couldnt answer why other than trying to DEAL with the GUILT of eating too much… but WHY SHOULD I FEEL GUILTY… WHY CANT I JUST DEAL WITH IT AND KNOW THAT TOMORROW I WILL NOT DO THAT AGAIN. i only live once, i will eat whatever the F i want, but to go on with that note…..i only live once so i want to live as happily, healthy and prosperous as possible…therefore I WILL NOT EAT WHATEVER THE F I WANT. i will try and eat as healthy and wholesome as possible, and if i stray away from that, then i will NOT punish myself.

 

 

“consistency is KEY”. one bad meal will not make me fat. like one good meal will not make me skinny. i will wake up tomorrow, hit the gym and eat as healthy and drink as much water as i can. i can do this. i have to conquer my mental being before i can tackle my physical being.

some fitspo: ramins graduation december. new years eve. BE FIT before the NYE goal….<3 in a good place.