what i have been up to lately

Well I failed with the atkins…no surprise. I failed at my bikram for a month deal…. no surprise. so what did i do? I went and shelled out another 100$ that i DONT have to buy 3 sessions with a trainer. I have already blown 400$ on a trainer in the past, but this time it was “different”, isnt it always? anyways, I got a trainer for 3 sessions at my gym who taught me that using weights is equally important as cardio. I moreso knew that because I am following a LOT of body builder/ bikini competitors on instagram…this could be a huge mistake due to how strict their diets are. well today i went and looked at my high school yearbook, i miss how thin and fit and happy i was. I was so happy in my skin, and I didn’t focus on eating all the time, i was out having fun with friends. I eat almost 4 times as much as i used to. I was so active with swimming and cycling, and now i drag to get to the gym. but the gym isnt my problem, it’s eating correctly, enough and of the right things. back in high school i was a “skinny fat” i was thinner in frame, but not toned in anyway, but i would take that any day than what i am now. i just want to do it the right way now, i want to eat the right proportions and workout with cardio and weights. its just so frustrating having to see my fat fucking cellulite filled ass in the mirror everyday. it makes me not want to take a shower so i dont have to see myself. i remember last summer how good i felt and how fit and thin and confident i was. i was so excited to get dressed up and wear my dresses and heels to show off my legs, now i am so embarassed. i am a disaster. i went a good SIX months not working out and eating like GARBAGE. and i mean eating fast food everyday, sometimes more than once  a day. i went from NEVER touching fast food to CRAVING it. whats wrong with me???? this isn’t who i am. i always worry about my looks and my make up and hair but what about my BIGGEST asset…my body? why dont i care???? my dad is diabetic and my mom has HTN, isnt that fucking enough for me to want to eat healthy? its SO hard to eat healthy at home when theres temptation around, but my body is more important to me. I have never eaten anything yummy and an hour later been happy about it…never. i am always ashamed at myself. I need to learn to eat for fuel and health and nutrition not for luxury and lazy fuckng fatness. pull your shit togethr

Atkins..continued

So I have kept with Atkins, I am really trying hard. My CW is 145.8. Still not where I want to be but slowly losing weight. The website says “lose up to 15 pounds in 2 weeks*, well I have lost 5 (which I’m sure is all that water weight from the IMMENSE increased sodium I have been eating).. but I am very much liking this diet, I have no carb cravings, I am RARELY ever hungry, so I hope this is how it is supposed to work. I would love to lose more weight on this first phase before I start adding in more carbs.

My biggest fault is that I do not stick to things, I always start things that I don’t finish. I hope this can be an exception because I have MANY things coming up

:: Sean’s graduation (4 weeks) ::My 22nd birthday (3 months) ::My pinning ceremony (4 months) and SUMMER (5 months) I can have so much change in that time.

THIS WILL BE THE FIRST TIME IN 21 YEARS WHERE I HAVEN’T WAITED UNTIL JUNE TO START DIETING AND EXERCISING. I AM BEING PROACTIVE AND DEDICATED. LETS DO THIS…..

Atkins…

So, I don’t want to jinx anything but I have been following the Atkins diet which is basically LOW carb and HIGH FAT. I like the idea of it because it has science behind it which I love to know because it makes me understand it more and BELIEVE It more. I have been doing it for 3 days now and went from 149 to 146. So 1 pound a day makes a 3 lb LOSS!!! yay, love to see the loss again. On the down side, it makes me so frustrated that 4 months ago I was TEN POUNDS lighter at 136 and even then I was ONLY 16 lb away from my goal weight. NOW I have set myself back 26 POUNDS! however, I am here and this is reality so I just have to accept it.

I have to remember, it took me 4 months of NOT exercising and eating fast food everyday to get THIS FAT, it’s gonna take me at LEAST 4 months or MORE to lose it all. I can do it.. I can do it… I CAN!!!!!

 

CW 146

GW 120

Don’t be too shocked…

I, once again FAILED. Failed at trying to once and for all eat healthy. Something has got to be the matter with me. See, I can stick to a diet very well for a bit (like a week maybe), then an opportunity arises (like going out to eat). I went out and said I would only have ONE pizza there. Well, one pizza turned into 6 chicken wings. and when I got home I said F*** it
I might as well just ruin the whole days plan, and had pasta, chocolate covered pretzels, a whole bag of cashews…well you get the point. I woke up feeling sick and a little discouraged. I am now back at 149 lb. remember when I wrote I never would weight this much again?…. YEAH, here’s my problem. So anyways, I promised I would lose weight the healthy way, but with me….instant gratification seems to work, and when I did HCG diet I lost weight quick and loved every moment of it and stuck to it….did I keep it off…no. BUT, I looked up a more reasonable diet that lets you eat more, the ATKINS diet. It consists of eating mostly fats and proteins with little to no carbs. It puts your body into ketosis where your body begins to burn stored fat for fuel rather than carbs. My mom is doing it with me and it couldn’t hurt. I’d like to lose some weight before seeing my bf too…… We will see how this goes.

 

I told you so….

I told you I was the biggest F-ing loser, the biggest F-ing failure ever….. I said I would never weight 150 lb again, but guess what….. I STILL DO…. and guess what I have been eating for the past week.

The day before yesterday I secretly drove to Raising Canes and ate the Box combo like I was never going to be fed again.

Yesterday at 11am I went through the drive thru at burger king and ordered 1 whopper, and 10 piece chicken nugget (with a coke and water) just so it seemed like two separate orders…. I am so pathetic.

Then not even 2 hours later, I drove to the McDonald’s drive thru and ordered 2 cheeseburgers and fries, with a regular coke.

There has to be something I am missing… why am I doing this to myself???? My boyfriend is gone at boot camp WORKING HIS ASS off and all I am doing is eating my ASS ON. I promised myself that while he was gone I would get my shit together. I want him to be proud of me again, I want him to want to show me off. Not the fat ass who gained 20 pounds eating purely fast food shit. I disgust myself. I have never felt uglier in my life.

I have purchased weight loss books $25, a heart rate/calorie monitor $65, training sessions $400, yoga $60, healthy food $100… what is it going to take to get back to my starting 136 pounds…. even THEN I wasn’t at my goal, but now I am so much farther away…..

The New Year…

Well my Bikram yoga plan failed,,. I went twice and remembered just how much I HATED the practice. For those who have never taken a class before, it is the SAMe damn 90 poses and postures each class. Nevertheless, it is boring and so repetitive. NOt to mention I have gained so much weight that I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. Quitting my Bikram plan was pretty much a fail for me… For positive things?

From the last post–I have stopped eating fast food all together..I have been trying hard to eat at home and make my own foods. my next goal is to start adding in exercise and eating 5-6 healthy meals a day..

 

 

First Blog…

Where to even begin…

There are hundreds of “fat people” blogs out there but regardless I found that I could not find inspiration in them…just jealousy… I need a blog of my own to track my own progress and hardships, as they are very different than any one elses.

I have kept this a secret-anonymous blog because quite frankly I am very ashamed of myself. I have a very serious and I feel like (common) disorder. However, I feel like mine is very severe. I have a huge huge huge eating problem…… BINGING. Many people are probably thinking, “I binge all the time its common!”, however I take binging to another level. For example, just these last couple of weeks (about 4 weeks) I have fast food EVERY SINGLE DAY. some days I would eat it more than once in a single day. and NO I was not ordering a cheeseburger or just a simple value meal. I was ordering a cheeseburger (sometimes 2), 10 piece chicken nuggets, medium fries, a diet coke and a dessert of some kind. I got an instant happiness from eating fast food. The hard part was keeping it a secret, wouldn’t my mom wonder why I wasn’t eating at home? Would my car smell like fast food (since I had to hide out and eat it in there?), WHERE would I throw away the trash (surely not at my house). Disgustingly enough, I accumulated over a weeks worth of fast food piled in my back seat and trunk. My car began to smell, but it was better than anyone finding out my secret. My family has never been about eating out or fast food, so I have no clue where this problem came from.

It might be the fact that I am in nursing school and am stressed to the MAX. because in high school when life was easy peezy, I never ate out and I was in the best shape of my life. Here is my true problem….. COMMITMENT. I go to the gym for a good 2 weeks, lose a lot of weight, feel great, feel happy, eat healthy. THEN out of nowhere I fall right back into the funk of BINGING, where I let myself GO… and I mean COMPLETELY GO! I have restarted diets no doubt over 100 times in my life.

A couple months ago I figured that getting a trainer and paying a hefty amount would solve my problems with weight loss. Well…it did. But only for the first couple months. I went from 142 lb to 134. I was the happiest and most confident I had been in my life. Almost 10 lbs lost? amazing right? Well, my trainer had me eating the SAME meal plan EVERY day….I got so sick of it that I began to rebel and eat really badly. I ended up gaining it all back after I got done training with him..and here I am weighing my ALL TIME HIGH of 150 pounds.. I am so sick and so disgusted with myself. my clothes don’t fit, my face is round, I have an unhealthy, acne-full face. I am disgusting. I hate to say that “this time is it”, because I have said that time and time again about weight loss. but the difference with this time is that I will take my time, and do it the right, slow, way… I will NEVER be 150 pounds again…